


My Soldier

by 852_Prospect_Archivist



Category: The Sentinel
Genre: AU, Alternate Universes, Angst, M/M, Other: See Story Notes, Series: Soldiers Heart, h/c
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-05-10
Updated: 2013-05-10
Packaged: 2017-12-11 03:37:42
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,950
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/793571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/852_Prospect_Archivist/pseuds/852_Prospect_Archivist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jim and Blair deal with the aftermath of the attacks.<br/>This story is a sequel to A Soldier's Heart.</p>
            </blockquote>





	My Soldier

## My Soldier

XFreak

Author's webpage: <http://www.e-fic.com/xfreak/>

Disclaimers: The Sentinel, Jim Ellison, Blair Sandburg, Simon Banks, Joan Banks, Daryl Banks and Rainier University belong to Pet Fly Productions and Paramount. No copyright infringement is intended. This work of fiction is purely for enjoyment and no money is being made from it. 

Notes: {} indicates thoughts. Jim and Blair discussed their HIV/STD status between the first story and this one. They're both clean and no condoms are used in this story. In real life, play safe! Thank you, Grey, for a quick, thorough, and insightful beta. I really appreciate it. Feedback and constructive criticism are desired and, as always, responded to. If you don't get a response, I didn't get it or cyber space got hungry. =o) 

Summary: Jim and Blair deal with the aftermath of the attacks. 

Warnings: AU, some language, light angst. 

* * *

My Soldier  
by XFreak 

"No, Jim," Blair stubbornly said, looking up from buttering his toast. 

"Why not?" 

"I don't need therapy." 

"Blair, you were assaulted. You need to talk to someone about it. And you could talk about your self-confidence issue as well." 

"I don't _have_ a self-confidence issue," the younger man stated evenly, his temper simmering. 

"Chief." 

"Y'know, Jim, the fact that I'm in love with you doesn't give you the right to run my life. You're so damn bossy sometimes." 

"You're deflecting," Jim countered, crossing his arms. 

"So what? I'm not one of your subordinates, so quit telling me what to do like what you say is the law or something." 

"Have you talked to anyone?" 

"I talk to you all the time." 

"But you hardly ever _say_ anything." 

Blair's head snapped up, his widened eyes focusing on his almost lover. "Thanks a lot, man. If you were trying to start my day out by making me feel like shit, you succeeded." Setting the butter knife in the sink, he threw the toast in the trash. 

"I didn't mean it like that." Jim circled around the kitchen island to stop in front of his lover, bringing the young man's chin up with his finger. "I'm sorry. What I meant was that you can talk all day without saying anything about yourself or how you feel. Don't start giving me the silent treatment because you think I don't want to hear what you have to say. Okay?" 

Blair wilted. "How can I stay pissed at you when you're standing there looking all apologetic and sexy in that uniform? You just don't know how good it looks on you." 

"So, am I forgiven?" 

"Yeah, it's okay," Blair sighed, wrapping his arms around his soldier. 

"You'll think about it?" Jim inquired, kissing the curly head. 

"I guess so. I still don't think I need it, but if it'll make you feel better and get you off my ass, I'll consider it." 

Jim smiled, the wattage strong enough to light a city block. "Thank you." Leaning down, he kissed his friend tenderly. 

"I'm going to have to forgive you more often." 

Jim shook his head, taking five dollars out of his wallet and handing it to the other man. "Here." 

"What's this for?" Blair asked, tucking it into his pocket. 

"I want you to stop and get some breakfast on your way to school. I don't want you going hungry because I pissed you off." 

"I'll be okay." 

"Humor an old man, will you?" Jim requested, brushing both thumbs over the other man's cheekbones. 

"Okay. I'll grab something. I have to go." 

Jim kissed him on the cheek, patting his bottom as he turned toward the door. 

* * *

Blair sat on a concrete block with his back against the wall, his knees drawn up close to his body. 

"There you are! You sounded upset on the phone," Eric Sandburg said, sitting down facing his favorite cousin. 

"Thanks for meeting me. I know you're busy." 

"You know I've always got time for you, kid. Are you feeling better?" 

"Yeah, and that's part of the problem." 

"I'm not sure I understand. Your cock isn't hurting every time you move and this is a bad thing?" 

"Well, I'm seeing someone. They're a lot older than me and my appointment with the doctor is in a few days. I'm pretty sure this person is going to want to have sex when they find out I'm okay." 

"I'm noticing your avoidance of personal pronouns. It must be a guy." 

Blair grinned, looking up through his eyelashes. "Busted." 

"Okay, so this guy is going to want to have sex. What's the problem with that?" 

"I'm in love with him." 

"Blair, you are so not making any sense. People are usually happy to make love with someone they care about." 

"I've never actually made love, Eric. I've slept with a couple of girls that I cared about, but I wasn't in love with them. The two guys I was with were basically quick hand jobs out of curiosity." 

Eric smirked. 

"Too blunt?" 

"It's no problem, kid. You know I've never had a problem with your bi-curiosity. I admit, I was a little thrown when you started asking me questions about guys. But I just figured that your hormones were raging and they didn't discriminate." He shrugged with an evil grin on his handsome face. 

"That's a good way to put it." 

"Okay, so what's the problem?" Eric asked, resting his hands on his crossed legs. 

"Well, he's a lot older than me, but I'm his first guy and he's really mine if you want to get technical. Neither of us really know what to do." 

Eric shrugged. "So, you'll figure it out together. I hope you're not asking me how to fuck a guy because I haven't a clue." 

Blair burst out laughing. "No, Eric. That's not it. I know you're straighter than straight." 

"So, what is it?" 

"I'm kind of nervous. Okay, I'm fucking scared. What if I disappoint him? What if he doesn't like me? What if it's all awkward?" 

"Slow down there. Is he in love with you, too?" 

"Yeah, I'm pretty sure. He said so in a round about way, which is how he is. He's not a very verbal guy." 

"Thank God for small favors. You'd talk each other to death," Eric said, snickering. 

"Funny." 

"If he loves you, then being with you will be enough for him. He won't be disappointed. As for awkward, the first time with any new lover can be awkward. I don't think gender matters." 

"Oh, man." Blair sat up straighter, struggling to catch his breath. Closing his eyes, his fists clenched. 

"Shit, Blair. Calm down already." Eric squeezed his cousin's shoulder, pushing him forward with his head between his knees. 

"Eric, I'm having an attack. I'm not going to pass out." Blair sat back up, an annoyed expression on his face. 

"You've passed out before when you had one of these, so don't give me that shit. This guy has really got you worked up. Have you tried to talk to him about it?" 

After his breathing slowed down, Blair answered. "No. Like I said, I'm his first guy. He's having trouble with his self- image. He thinks I don't know, but he's been edgy ever since I started feeling better. He wants me, but he doesn't want to want a man." 

"Edgy how?" 

"He's quiet, but when he gets nervous or upset he goes all apeshit over stupid stuff. He's been doing that a lot, but I just pretend not to know why. If it gets much worse, I'm going to _make_ him talk to me." 

"Maybe you should next time he does it. It might help him, too." 

"Pulling teeth, man. That's what getting him to talk about his feelings is like. He is so not into heart to heart discussions." 

"You said he was older. How old is he?" 

"Twenty-six." 

"Shit, Blair. You mean _older_. Be careful. I don't want you getting hurt." 

"What do you mean?" 

"I mean, he's old enough to want commitment, marriage, the whole nine yards. You're still a bit young for that." 

"I don't think so. He's still struggling with the fact that I'm a guy. I don't think he's going to pop the question anytime soon." 

"What does he do?" 

Blair smiled, sighing happily. "He's an officer in the army." 

"You're kidding! Naomi would _shit_!" 

"Yeah, I'm not planning to tell her until I find out if it's going to work out," he answered, a soft expression on his face. 

"Oh, man, I have got to meet this guy. You have got it so bad." 

"And then some. I'll see what I can do. He's just realizing this about himself, so I don't know if he'll be open to anyone knowing, family or not." 

"Well, just ask him. I want to sniff him out. You may only be six years younger, but you're still my favorite little cousin." 

"Would you stop with the 'little' and 'kid' stuff?" 

"Oh, I forgot. You turned eighteen and you're a _man_ now," Eric joked, making a macho muscle gesture with his arms. 

Blair stood, his expression unreadable. "Well, thanks for coming. See ya." He turned, walking briskly away. 

"Hey, Blair!" Eric caught up to him, gripping his arm. 

"What?" 

"Look, I'm sorry. I was just joking. I wasn't making fun of you." 

"Funny, it felt that way to me. That's something I never expected from you." 

"I'm sorry. Bad joke. Overlook me?" Blair nodded curtly and Eric pulled him into a hug. "Don't let it be so long before you call me again." 

"Okay, man." 

"Let me know how it goes." 

"You want details?" Blair asked, grinning mischievously and waggling his eyebrows. 

"I think I can live without them. A general idea would suffice." 

* * *

Blair walked into the loft that afternoon and stopped dead in his tracks. Jim paced back and forth like a caged predator, his fists clenching and releasing almost rhythmically. Hearing his lover, he turned to him, stalking. 

"Who the fuck is Eric and what did he do to you that he's so sorry for?" the older man barked, towering over Blair in his personal space. 

"Are you making an accusation? Because if you are, you might want to rethink that very carefully." 

"I'm inquiring, not accusing," Jim answered tightly. 

"Is that why you're so uptight that a feather could snap you?" 

Jim ran a hand over his almost nonexistent hair. "Please, Chief. Just answer the question." 

"Eric is my cousin. I talked to him at the university today." 

Jim's shoulders relaxed, his hands opening. "Does he go there, too?" 

"No. I called and asked him to meet me." 

"Are you alright?" Jim placed a hand on his friend's shoulder, pressing slightly. 

"I'm fine. I haven't seen him for a while and we talked. When I was leaving, he hit a nerve without meaning to." 

"I think he's worried. He called three times. You'd better call the guy before he has a coronary," the older man said, heading for the bathroom. 

"Um, Jim?" 

"Yeah?" he answered, turning back around. 

"He wants to meet you. How do you feel about that?" 

"You _told_ him?" Jim asked incredulously, his hands perching on his hips. 

"I didn't tell him your name or anything. I just told him that I was seeing an older guy. He asked to meet you and I said that I'd have to ask you. I didn't know if you'd feel comfortable with it." 

"Let me think about it and I'll get back to you, okay?" 

"Sure thing." 

* * *

Once the shower started, Blair dialed Eric's telephone number, carrying the cordless into his study room. 

"Hello?" 

"Eric, it's me, man." 

"Blair, are we cool? I so didn't mean to piss you off," his cousin said nervously. 

"We're fine. You almost got me mauled, though." 

"What do you mean?" 

"Jim gets home to find three messages for me from a guy he doesn't know? He thought I was stepping out on him." 

"Oh, shit! I didn't fuck things up, did I?" 

"No, he's cool now. He said he'd think about meeting you." 

"Cool. Damn, I'm really sorry." 

"It's okay. At least he's not going on about what a basket case I am." 

"He called you a basket case?" 

"No. Jim wouldn't do that, but I know it's what he's thinking," Blair answered, running his fingers through his tangled curls. 

"How do you know that?" 

"Because he wants me to get therapy, that's how," he answered, his tone angry. 

"That doesn't sound so bad." 

"Don't start. He says I've got a self-esteem problem, too, and I'm suspicious that it's the real reason he wants me to go." 

"You do have a self-esteem problem." 

"I don't _believe_ this! Not you, too," he exclaimed, pacing the floor of the small room. 

"He sounds like a smart man, even if he has a temper." 

"I can see that I'm going to be getting it from both sides now. He's not violent with me, if that's what you're wondering." 

"Good." 

"He's _way_ protective. It's not in him to hurt me." 

"I can understand that after what that guy did to you. Can you imagine being him, having to stand there and watch that guy crush you like that? That would be hard enough for a friend, but since he's more..." 

Blair shuddered at the memory. "Yeah. It's been tough on him. He blames himself." 

"Why?" 

"It was one of the guys in his unit. He thinks that he caused it by bringing the two of us together. He's really good at guilt." 

"It sounds like it. Well, I'll let you go. Let me know what he decides. I'd really like to meet him. I've gotta look out for my favorite cuz, y'know." 

"Yeah, I'll call you." 

* * *

Jim stepped out of the shower with a smile on his face, efficiently drying himself. He hadn't _meant_ to listen to his lover's conversation, but wanted to ascertain just how much shit he was in. Thinking about Blair's cousin, he decided that he could use an ally if it got his friend the help he needed. 

* * *

"Damn it, Chief!" Jim bellowed the next morning. 

Blair hurried to the bathroom, wondering what pissed his friend off _this_ time. 

"Is it too much to ask for you to pick up after yourself?" the older man groused. 

"Sorry, man. The phone rang and I forgot to come back and clean up. I'll do it now." 

"Do I have to remind you like a little kid?" 

"Look, man. I said I forgot and that I was sorry. What do you want from me? Blood?" He held his arm out to Jim, his eyes a cool blue glow. 

"I...I'm sorry, Chief," the captain said, swiping at his face. 

"Yeah, you're always sorry, aren't you? It doesn't keep you from yelling at me for no reason. I'm a patient person, but it's getting old real quick." 

"I know," Jim said, scratching the back of his head. 

"What's eating you?" 

"Nothing. I'm fine." 

"You might be. I love you, but I can't deal with you being pissed all the time, man." 

"I'll work on it." 

" _Talk_ to me, Jim. What's going on with you?" 

"It's nothing. You're going to be late." He kissed Blair on the cheek, giving him a gentle shove toward the door. 

"I'm serious. This isn't over." 

Jim smiled, kissing his lover deeply. "I love you." The man knew his weapons well. 

Blair hugged him tightly. "I love you, too. See you later." 

* * *

"Simon." 

"Hey, Jim." 

"Thanks for meeting me. I wanted to talk to you and lunch seemed like the best opportunity." 

"It's no problem. A man's got to eat," Simon said, patting his stomach. "So, what did you want to talk about?" 

"Sandburg." 

"Ah, the sort of lover." 

"Keep your voice down!" Jim hissed, looking around to see if anyone heard. 

"Jim, nobody is listening to us. Are you going to hide him away from the world for the rest of your life?" 

"Simon, be reasonable. We just got together. You can't go around talking about long-term plans yet." 

"So, I see that you still haven't dealt with the gay aspect." 

"I'm not gay. It's just _him_." 

"You're lying to yourself." 

"What?" 

"You're a man. Sandburg is a man. You want him. Therefore, society will tag you as gay. You might as well quit justifying it in your head." Simon pointed at his temple. 

"But, I'm not attracted to men in general. It's just him." 

"You keep telling yourself that and you'll both end up getting hurt." A tinge of anger laced Simon's voice as he jabbed a finger in Jim's direction. 

"Fair enough." 

"Can you imagine your life without him?" 

Jim shook his head confidently without having to think about it. 

"Then, I think you have your answer, buddy." Simon slapped his old friend on the arm. 

"Yeah, it looks that way. I just wish my heart and my head would come to some sort of truce," he remarked, scratching his head. 

"Give it time. You've had a life altering revelation hit you. It's bound to throw a guy." 

"You can say that again." 

"What about Sandburg did you want to discuss?" 

"I'm worried about him. He hasn't been the same since the attack." 

"Well, good lord, Jim. Did you expect him to just carry on like nothing happened?" 

"No. That's my point. He has nightmares _when_ he sleeps, he's having more panic attacks, he gets pissed at nothing at all sometimes, and he's so jumpy. He usually isn't with me, but with anyone else..." Jim shook his head. 

"What did his therapist say?" 

"That's just it. He's not going," Jim said, meeting the other man's eyes. 

"You're joking." 

"No. I mentioned it and he called me _bossy_ and told me to quit ordering him around." 

"The job's kind of hard to turn off when you step through that door, huh?" 

Jim nodded, adding, "Spoken like a man who's been there." 

"Why do you think Joan left? She couldn't deal with the ugliness that followed me in." 

"I'm sorry, Simon." Jim squeezed his friend's forearm. 

"I'll manage. She's very good about giving me time with my boy. As long as she does that, I'm cool." 

"That's great." 

"I'm assuming you didn't ask me here just to vent. It's not your style." 

"No. I was wondering if you could come by for dinner tomorrow. I could use a second opinion to see if you think he needs therapy. I tend to be overprotective with him. Maybe I'm just overreacting." He massaged his forehead, a headache settling in at warp speed. 

"And overbearing?" At the irritated expression, Simon laughed. "Sure. I'll come by around 6:00?" 

"That'd be great. Thanks, buddy." 

"No problem, man." 

* * *

"So anyway, there was this explorer named Sir Richard Burton. He basically said that each tribe had a sentinel, kind of like a watchman. He or she kept an eye out for the enemy, weather, game, stuff like that. The tribe would depend on this person for survival." 

Jim nodded, grinning at his friend's enthusiasm. His annoyance at Blair's inability to sit on the couch like a normal person faded. 

"Okay. So, the sentinel was chosen because he or she possessed a genetic advantage. His or her senses were heightened beyond what a normal human is capable of." 

Jim's features tightened slightly. 

"Anyway, Burton's monograph is all but forgotten now. There is documentation of people with one or two heightened senses, but I've never found evidence that anyone with all five exists." The drooping shoulders made Jim want to gather him in his arms and confess. 

"What does all this have to do with the 'Blessed Protector' thing?" 

"Nothing, really. The Chinese believe that when you save a man's life, you become his 'Blessed Protector' and you're bound to carry out that role for the rest of your life. I've just always kind of associated the two, which doesn't make any sense, because one has nothing to do with the other." He shrugged, standing on his toes to stretch, revealing a sliver of hairy tummy. 

Rising to his feet, Jim approached his lover, enclosing him in his arms. Pulling back, he massaged the furry belly with his palm, the muscles trembling under his touch. Finding no hint of fear as he catalogued the younger man, he kissed the full lips tenderly. 

"You don't know how bad I want you." 

Swallowing hard, the young man made an admirable attempt to hide his nervousness. "H-how bad?" he inquired, eyes wide and adoring. 

"I can't put it in to words," Jim hissed against his soon to be lover's ear, palming the tempting butt. "I ache for you, but I won't push. I don't want to do anything until you're ready and can enjoy it just as much as I can. Okay?" he asked, moving back. 

Blair nodded, his mouth hanging open slightly. Jim pulled the younger man against him, cradling the back of the head in his hand as he tucked it against his shoulder. 

* * *

Jim approached the kitchen island, tucking his shirt into his uniform pants. As he watched his friend humming happily while cooking, a satisfied smile spread across his face. 

"Morning, Jim." 

"You're awfully chipper this morning," he said, kissing the younger man on the cheek. 

"I actually slept last night. I feel great!" Blair exclaimed, bouncing around the kitchen. 

"Good. I hope it keeps up." 

"Thanks, man. Have a seat. Breakfast is almost ready." 

Jim did as instructed, his mouth watering at the bacon, eggs, and toast on his plate. Blair sat it down in front of him along with silverware and a steaming mug of coffee. 

"Thanks." 

Soon after, Blair sat down, flipping through a textbook as he ate. Used to his friend's morning refresher, Jim ate in silence, watching and listening for any sign of distress. When he found none, a bit of the weight lifted off his heart. 

"When will you be home tonight?" 

"I've got a short day. My last class is canceled. Why?" Curious midnight blue eyes studied the older man. 

"I was just wondering. Do we have enough to cook dinner for three?" 

"Yeah, I'm going to the grocery on the way home. Are you bringing one of your army buddies home?" 

Jim shook his head, swallowing a sip of coffee. "No. Simon's coming for dinner. He'll be here around 6:00." 

"Oh, okay. I like Simon. He's cool." 

"Yeah, he's a good guy. I feel kind of sorry for him, though." 

"Why's that?" Blair asked, wrapping both hands around his coffee cup. 

"It hasn't been that long since the divorce. I think he's pretty lonely." 

"I didn't know he was divorced," Blair remarked, sitting back in his chair. 

"Yeah, he's got a kid, too. Cute little boy." 

"That sucks. Does he have custody?" 

"No, but he and his ex are still friends. She lets him see Daryl whenever he wants." 

"If they're still friends, why did they get divorced?" 

"He had trouble leaving the job at the office. It's not easy being a cop's SO." 

"Or an army captain's," Blair mumbled under his breath. 

"What? Are you unhappy with me?" 

"No! How did you hear that?" 

"I heard it," he spat, gathering his dishes and carrying them to the sink. 

"Jim, wait." 

"What?" 

Blair stepped in front of the older man, scooting between him and the sink. "I didn't mean anything by it, honest. It's just..." 

"Just what?" 

Taking a deep breath, Blair met Jim's intense gaze. "Sometimes I feel like you have trouble turning it off. I get the feeling that you think I'm under your command." 

"I don't mean to do that." 

"I know. You just get bossy sometimes, like you tell me to do something and assume it will be done." 

"I'll try to do better." 

Blair hugged the older man. "No, Jim. It's fine. I'll tell you if it gets to be a problem." 

"Before it's time for a split?" 

"Way before." 

"Okay." Jim relaxed, returning the embrace. "I have to go. I have an early briefing." 

"Have a good day and remember that I love you." 

"I'll do my best. See you tonight." 

* * *

Blair heard the door to the loft open and shut, smiling to himself that Jim had come home. As the captain strode into the kitchen, the younger man held his cheek out for a kiss, a warm feeling flushing his body when the lips touched his face. 

"What are we having?" 

"Chili. It's almost done. I just have to add the chili powder." 

"Sounds great." Jim headed off to hang his jacket and tie. 

"Smells good, too," a deep voice said from behind Blair. 

The younger man jumped, dropping the entire container of chili powder into the pot. Turning, he focused wide eyes on Simon, scraping his back as he backed into the counter. 

"Damn it! I'm such a fuckup. I ruined our dinner," he proclaimed, wincing from the pain in his back. 

"Shit, Sandburg. I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking." 

Jim heard the exchange, running back across the living room to find Blair squatting in the corner. Leaning forward to keep his back from touching anything, his eyes studied the floor. 

"Chief?" Jim asked, going to his knees in front of his lover. 

"I'm sorry, Jim. I can't even cook dinner without screwing it up." 

"It was an accident." 

"Yeah, whatever," he answered, waving a hand dismissively. 

"It's no big deal. We can order out." Jim sat down in front of Blair with his legs spread, pulling the frazzled young man into his arms. His lover moved into them easily, his entire body shaking. Grasping a handful of the back of Jim's shirt, he buried his head in the larger man's chest. 

"I'm sorry, Jim. I didn't mean to mess everything up." 

"It's okay, Chief," Jim said, meeting Simon's eyes over Blair's head. "We'll just order some pizza. How does that sound?" The younger man nodded against him. "Are you hurt?" 

"No. It's okay now. I scraped my back against the counter. It always hurts worse than it is." 

"Good. Why don't you go wash your face and then we'll talk about what kind of pizza to get." 

"Okay." Blair stood, avoiding Simon's eyes. 

"Damn, Jim. That kid's jumpier than a grasshopper," Banks said after Sandburg left the room. 

"I know," he answered, running a hand over his short hair as he rose. "And he won't listen to me. He's going to have to do something. His cousin thinks he needs therapy, too." 

"He's right. The kid needs help." 

"But he's too stubborn and is at the 'I have all the answers' age. It's killing me to watch him like this." 

"He didn't seem to be bothered by your presence." 

Jim shook his head. "No. I'm the only person that I know of that he's comfortable around." 

"Do you have any idea why?" 

"Maybe because we live together and he's used to me in his space. Or because he knows deep down that I wanted to protect him and fell short. Maybe because we're together. I don't know." He shrugged, massaging his chin. 

"You have your second opinion." 

"Thanks. Now, all I have to do is figure out how to get him to take it." 

* * *

The three men decided on sausage and pepperoni pizza, each eating hearty servings. By the time they finished, Blair had relaxed somewhat, laughing and joking with his friends. 

"Man, he should just inject the lard right into his veins. Some of the stuff he eats makes me cringe," he said, shuddering in illustration. "I can almost see his arteries hardening." 

"If only a man could live on Wonderburger alone...," Jim teased, his eyes twinkling brightly as he smiled at his lover. 

Simon laughed. "The kid's right." 

"See?" Blair crossed his arms, feigning a pout and forcing Jim to shift in his chair to make room for his swelling cock. 

"It's not healthy for you," the cop chided. 

Blair flinched hard enough that his chair moved with him, scraping against the floor. Before he even had a chance to look embarrassed, his chest began to heave with the effort of trying to take in enough oxygen. Rising from his seat, he pushed on Jim's shoulder as the other man tried to stand, shaking his head. Turning, he headed for the bathroom, closing the door behind him. 

Quietly, Simon asked, "What's going on, Jim?" 

"Panic attack," the captain answered, rubbing his eyes. 

"Is he okay?" 

"I think he will be. He's used to them." 

"Are _you_ okay?" 

"That obvious, huh? I'd be more comfortable if I were with him, but that's not what he wants." Shrugging, he stood, clearing the pizza box and paper plates from the table, effectively ending the conversation. 

* * *

Blair stood in the middle of the living room, his face cradled in his hands. 

"Come on, Chief. Don't be so hard on yourself." 

Jim's young lover raised his head, looking at him. "I'm so completely humiliated. I can't even cook or eat without losing it. Simon must think I'm a basket case." 

"He knew it might happen. That's why he came here tonight." 

"You invited him here to show him how messed up I am?" Blair's temper erupted as he strode toward his lover. 

"No, not exactly." 

"Why, exactly?" he snapped, crossing his arms angrily. 

"I thought about what you said about me being bossy and overbearing. I really felt that you needed help, but I wanted to make sure I wasn't overreacting." 

"And what did he say?" 

"He agrees with me." 

"I guess we're back to me being the little wimp that can't take care of himself, huh?" 

Jim struggled to remain seated. "It's not about that. You were assaulted three times, at least. Two of them were sexual assaults, possibly all of them. Anyone would need help dealing with that." 

"Would you?" Blair asked uncertainly. 

"Hell, yes. You know what a control freak I am. If someone took that away, I'd go nuts." 

"The third one wasn't a sexual assault. He just tied me up and beat the shit out of me," Blair clarified, the toe of his shoe rubbing back and forth across the hardwood. 

"I'd like to kill the motherfucker." 

His lover's rage brought Blair's head back up. "He didn't rape me, Jim. He just..." 

"He raped your spirit, which might be even worse. He took your innocence and your trust away. I'd like to rip his heart out and serve it to him on a silver platter for that." 

"Don't hold back, Jim. Tell me how you feel," the younger man said, a half smile on his face. 

"Sorry." 

"Don't be. The fact is that I'll just have to deal with this because I can't afford therapy. I'm barely making it by with tuition, books, and the small amount I pay you." 

"I'll pay for it. I can afford it." 

Blair's features hardened. "I told you before. I'm not your rent boy." 

"Would you quit letting your pride get in the way? If you were my wife, there'd be no problem with me helping you out." 

"I'm not your wife, Jim. Men can't marry." 

"I'm not asking for a commitment here. I'm just trying to make you see that there's nothing wrong with me taking care of you. I don't expect you to fuck me to pay for it. That's what a rent boy would do. If you have sex with with me, it will be your choice and at your speed." 

"Yeah, but how long would you be willing to wait, if I needed you to?" 

"As long as it takes." 

"Really?" Blair smiled fully for the first time since Simon left. 

"Really. I won't lie to you. I'd like for us to be exclusive because I don't share lovers very well, but I'm not asking for 'until death do us part' or anything like that." 

"So, you're possessive, huh?" Blair moved closer, cupping Jim's jaw in his hand. 

"I hate that word." 

"So, it's been used to describe you before?" 

"More times than I care to count." 

"Okay. I'll go to a therapist, but what if they ask about my love life?" 

"I'd say the chances of that are pretty good," Jim answered, pulling Blair into his lap and pushing younger man's head to rest against his shoulder. 

"What happens if they tell someone about you being gay?" 

Jim almost flinched at the word, but stopped himself. "What do you mean?" 

"You're in the army, man. Things could get ugly if you get outed." 

"That's not going to happen. That would violate doctor- patient confidentiality. They'd be in deep shit if they did something like that." 

"But still..." 

"You just don't get it, do you?" 

"Get what?" Blair raised his head, looking deep into his lover's eyes. 

Jim ran a finger along his friend's lower lip, speaking his heart. "I am completely in love with you, Darwin. Whatever happens, we'll deal with it. It will be worth it to get you the help you need." He kissed the other man gently, nipping the lower lip as he retreated. 

Blair gasped, nodding as he fidgeted with his hands. Jim pulled his head back down onto his shoulder, holding his young man tightly. 

"We'll ask Dr. Collier for a referral tomorrow when we go for your checkup." 

"You're going with me?" 

"Of course. Do you think I'm going to let that doctor put his hands on a beautiful thing like you without me in the room? You must be joking." 

Blair laughed, the tension finally draining from his body. 

* * *

"Mr. Sandburg," a silver haired doctor called. With his assistant out with the flu, the man looked worn out. 

Blair stood, passing by the doctor and walking into the hallway toward the examination rooms. At the doorway, Jim found a hand on his chest, impeding his progress. 

"I'm afraid you'll have to wait out here, Mr..." 

"Ellison," Jim said, wrapping his hand around the doctor's wrist. "And I'll be doing no such thing." 

"I beg your pardon?" 

"Dr. Collier, I know you have a job to do and I respect that." He lowered his voice so that the other patients wouldn't hear his next words. "Mr. Sandburg has been repeatedly assaulted. I am one of the only people he feels comfortable with and I promised him I would be there with him the entire time. I don't break my promises. Do we understand each other?" 

"Of course. Why didn't you just say so?" the doctor inquired, leading the way. They entered a typical examination room with the usual doctor's office smell. 

"Mr. Sandburg, if you'll disrobe and put this gown on, we'll get this over with as quickly and painlessly as possible." The doctor looked at Jim, who merely nodded with a cool expression. 

Blair kept the gown pulled over himself as he sat on the table. 

"Lie down and put your feet in the stirrups." 

Blair's frightened eyes located Jim's, receiving the reassurance they needed. The older man took his hand, squeezing lightly and nodding. 

When the doctor lifted his gown, Blair turned his face to the side, closing his eyes. He whimpered at the doctor's touch, nearly crushing Jim's hand. The older man kept his gaze trained on the doctor, never wavering. 

"Does this hurt?" the doctor inquired, watching Blair's face as he gently squeezed. 

Sandburg merely shook his head. 

"What about this?" he asked, applying pressure to the balls. 

"No," Blair whimpered. 

"Okay. I need to look at you. Will that be alright?" 

Blair met Jim's eyes, nodding when the older man smiled his reassurance. 

The doctor checked him as quickly as possible, his touches very light. Replacing the gown over Blair's lap, he stepped back. 

"Okay, Mr. Sandburg. We're all done. If you'd like to get dressed, I'll wait for the two of you in my office." 

"Thanks," Blair mumbled, his relief evident. 

"You did fine, Chief. Now, get dressed so we can get out of here." Jim smiled, hugging his lover, who curled into him like a starving man. 

* * *

Driving back from the doctor's office, Jim ventured a glance at his uncharacteristically quiet lover. "Chief, are you okay?" 

"Huh? Oh, fine." 

"Why are you so quiet?" The words earned him a dirty look. "I'm just used to you talking more." Jim shrugged. 

"Sorry. I guess I'm just tense," Blair said, rubbing sweaty palms on his jeans. 

"Why? Do you think I'm going to pounce as soon as I get you in the door?" 

"I'm not sure what's going to happen, actually." 

Jim placed his hand on his lover's thigh, noting the quivering muscles under his palm. "Nothing is going to happen that you don't want to. Are we clear?" 

Blair nodded, his expression still cautious. 

"If that's not it, then what is it?" 

"W-what if I'm not sure what I want to happen?" Blair asked, tucking a lock of hair behind his ear, his large eyes widely unsure. 

"Then I guess we'll have to experiment and find out." He grinned seductively at his lover, his hesitation at loving another man fading almost completely at the swelling in his heart. 

"Oh, God." Blair's lungs fought for air, his chest heaving with the exertion of trying to bring enough in. 

"Relax, Chief." Jim massaged between his shoulder blades in an expanding circular pattern. 

Blair nodded, closing his eyes as he brought himself under control. "Sorry." 

"There's nothing to be sorry for. It can be overwhelming for anybody, especially with what you've been through." At his lover's skeptical expression, he changed the subject. "By the way, I thought about your cousin." 

"Yeah?" 

"I'd like to meet him." 

"Really?" Blair bounced in his seat, cracking Jim up at his tendency to abruptly change moods. 

"Yeah, really. Just let me know when he can come over." 

"Cool!" 

"You seem to really want us to meet." 

"I do. I can't talk about you to anyone at school and you know me. I've gotta talk." 

"I'm sorry." 

Blair shook his head, pulling away from the hand caressing his cheek. "Not your fault, man. It's just the way things are," he said, shrugging. "So, how are you dealing with all this?" 

"I told you I was fine with it." Jim stiffened, sitting up straighter. 

"This is _me_ you're talking to. Why do you think I didn't push harder for you to talk to me? I knew what was going on with you. You don't normally go apeshit because I left my razor on the sink or a towel on the floor. You might mention it, but you're not usually ready to kill me." 

"Am I that transparent?" 

"No. Like I said, I know you. You're a good man under that gruff exterior. If you're being an asshole, there's a cause. You weren't avoiding me, so I figured it couldn't be _that_ bad. You are having trouble with it though." 

"Nothing I can't handle." 

"You sure? That's what I thought, too." 

"If you're asking me if I'm going to back out on you, the answer is no. I might not always be the easiest guy to live with, but I'm not going anywhere. Can we drop it now?" 

"Sure. No problem." 

* * *

Jim opened the door to a man even in height with himself. He was very thin, but not to the point of looking unhealthy. His chocolate eyes and hair complemented his light skin tone. 

"Eric?" 

"You must be Jim," the man answered, holding out his hand, which the older man shook. 

"Come on in. I have no doubt you're a Sandburg." 

"Why's that?" 

"The smile and holey jeans gave it away." 

"Ah, I see." Eric chuckled. 

"Eric! I see you've met Jim." Blair stopped between his two favorite men. 

"What? You're too manly to hug me in front of your lover?" 

"Um...no, of course not," Blair stammered as Jim coughed, suppressing a laugh. Those Sandburgs had a talent for being very blunt. 

"Come on in and have a seat. Can I get you anything?" Jim asked. 

"A beer would be nice. Thanks." 

"Two beers coming up." 

"But there's three of us," Eric said, looking puzzled. 

Jim pointed at Blair. "He's not old enough to drink. It's diet soda for him." 

Blair pouted for show until Jim settled on the couch next to him. The older man laid his arm along the back, tapping his lover. Sandburg glanced at him gratefully, scooting close and leaning his head back against the muscular shoulder. 

Jim looked at Eric, who had seated himself in the chair opposite them, now wearing a fond expression as he looked at his young cousin. 

"You look happy, Blair." 

"I am." He smiled, snuggling closer to Jim. 

"So, you're in the army?" 

"Yes," Jim answered, feeling like a specimen on a slide. 

"What's your rank?" 

"Captain," Jim replied, sipping his beer. 

"Really? You're young," Eric said, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees, his beer bottle dangling from his fingers. 

"I work hard." 

"Fair enough." Eric sat back. 

"What do you do?" 

"I'm a graphic designer." 

"What kind of design?" 

"I do ads for Conquest. I've worked there for two years now." 

Jim nodded, recognizing the label for a popular brand of men's clothes, some of which he wore himself. He frowned at the loss of warmth as Blair got up to answer the phone, carrying the cordless into his study room. 

"Look, I'm going to cut to the chase. I just wanted to meet you and make sure you don't mistreat him. Blair said you had a temper and I don't want him battered." 

Jim held his guest's eyes. "I'm glad you're looking out for him. I'm not the type to hurt people unless they present a threat to me or mine." 

"I'll be watching. If anything happens, expect to see me again." 

"Fine with me. I'm glad to see he'll have someone looking after him if anything happens to me." 

Blair's cousin studied Jim intently for a few moments, finally seeming satisfied that they understood each other. 

Blair returned to his earlier spot against Jim, asking, "What's going on, guys?" 

"Nothing, Chief. We were just talking," Jim assured, kissing Blair's temple as he rubbed up and down his arm. 

"Are you guys going to watch the Jags game?" Eric inquired amiably. 

"Are you kidding? We never miss one, do we Chief?" Jim asked, squeezing his lover. 

"Nope," Blair answered, eyeing the two men suspiciously. 

"Why does he call you 'Chief'?" 

"It's just a nickname, man." 

"Oh. Do you guys mind if I catch the game with you?" 

"No. Pull up a cushion," Jim said, pointing at the empty spot beside Blair with the remote. 

* * *

Blair sat on the couch with his legs crossed, a book open on one knee and scribbling in a notepad on the other. He paused to take a drink of his soda, pushing his glasses up higher on his nose. Diving back into his studies, his hair fell forward, shielding his face from his captivated lover. 

"Chief?" 

"Hmm?" Blair asked without looking up. 

"Are you almost done with your homework?" Jim questioned, giving up on reading the newspaper or doing anything else that didn't involve his young friend. 

Blair looked over at him. "In a few minutes, why?" Jim shrugged, intentionally acting evasive. "I would've been done sooner, but I can't seem to concentrate lately." 

Encouraged that the younger man was talking, Jim pursued the conversation from his chair at the kitchen table. "What do you think about when your mind wanders?" 

"Nothing important, really. I just catch myself thinking of other stuff while I'm supposed to be reading a chapter for class or researching something." 

"Is this a recent problem?" 

"More or less." Blair nodded. 

"Maybe you should discuss that with Dr. James. She might be able to help." 

"That might be a good idea." 

"You have her card in case things get ugly before the appointment." 

"It's in my wallet, man," Blair said, grinning. 

"Yeah, yeah. I know. 'Give it a rest, dad.'" 

"No, it's okay. There are worse things than having someone who cares about you." 

Jim smiled. "Can I ask you something?" 

"Shoot." 

"Why did you insist on a female therapist? I would think you'd be more comfortable talking to a man." 

"There are a couple of reasons. First, women tend to be more tolerant of men in a gay relationship. At least, the women I've known have. Men sometimes feel that their masculinity is threatened. Second..." 

"Yeah?" 

"Could we just leave it at that for now?" 

"Come on, Chief. You don't have to be embarrassed." 

Breathing deeply, he answered. "Men...well, _most_ men make me nervous right now, especially the ones that are a lot bigger than I am." 

"Do _I_ make you nervous?" 

Blair shook his head. "You and Eric are the only two I'm comfortable with. Thanks for letting him stay. I had a good time." 

"I did, too, after I figured out that he wasn't going to try to kick my ass. I'd have been sleeping on the couch if I was forced to put him in his place." 

"I _knew_ there was something up with you two." 

"Yeah, well..." Jim smirked, shrugging his shoulders nonchalantly. 

"I'm fair, man. It wouldn't have been a problem as long as you didn't start it." He pointed his finger. " _Don't_ take that as an invitation." 

Jim raised his hands, chuckling. "Don't worry. I'm not the bully type. I just don't tend to back down when someone gets in my face." 

"I like that about you. You're honorable, but you don't let people walk on you. I'd have no respect for you if you were a pushover." He grinned mischievously. "Well, with anyone except me." 

"Are you saying I'm wrapped?" 

"I need to finish my homework, man. This conversation is getting way too dangerous for my own good." Blair turned back to his books. 

* * *

"All done." Blair stood, stretching hugely. 

"Do you have anything else you need to do right now?" 

"No, why?" 

"Come over here." 

As Blair moved closer, Jim checked for signs of fear. Finding none, he pushed his chair back away from the table. His young lover stopped jerkily, his chest rapidly rising and falling. Sandburg stared at the older man, playing with the outer seams on his jeans. 

Jim reached forward, tugging on the tail of his friend's untucked flannel shirt. Blair only moved as far as his lover pulled him, his eyes watchful. 

"Is this okay? We don't have to do this now." 

"Wh..." Blair's voice sounded froggy, so he cleared his throat and tried again. "What is _this_?" 

"Whatever you want it to be. We'll start slow and you can say no at any time. We have to be clear on that." 

"I understand." 

"If I do anything that makes you uncomfortable, you have to tell me." 

"Okay. I can do that." 

"Can I touch you? I'm about to bust here." 

Blair nodded mechanically, his blue eyes wide and lips slightly parted. 

"Are you nervous?" Blair affirmed with another nod. "Not scared?" He shook his head. 

Jim grasped Blair's hand, pulling him down to straddle his lap. The younger man left his hands on his own thighs, his breathing becoming erratic. 

"Deep breaths, Chief. I wouldn't hurt you. You're in complete control here. You say the word and we'll stop, no questions asked." 

Blair closed his eyes, drawing several deep breaths. He bit his lip, whimpering. 

"Why don't we do this another time? I don't think you're ready." 

"No." 

"No, you don't want to wait or no, you're not ready?" 

Blair raised trembling hands to rest on Jim's shoulders, scooting closer until their aroused cocks touched through two layers of denim. His mouth dropped open, shocked at the sensation. 

Jim groaned. "Felt good, didn't it?" 

Blair swallowed, nodding as he moved back enough to break the erotic contact. Jim wanted to scream at the loss, but kept himself under control. He reached up to cup the back of his lover's head, bringing the lips down to brush his own. 

Jim tenderly kissed the younger man, who whimpered and gripped the cloth of his lover's shirt. The older man nibbled on the full lips, a moan escaping them. Licking the crease between the lips, he asked permission to enter. Sandburg opened, a small cry racing out. 

Jim pulled back before taking that step. "Are you okay?" Blair nodded, dazed eyes looking at his lover, lips glistening. {Oh, so it was _that_ kind of noise.} "Good," the older man said, kissing the tip of his friend's nose. 

Jim grinned evilly as Blair tipped his open mouth back toward him, pleading. Ellison closed the distance between them, his tongue searching out its mate. When he found it, he squeezed his lover tightly, thinking he might come from just a kiss. 

Finally breaking it, Blair sat back, licking his lips. "Oh, man." 

"Okay?" 

"That was...phenomenal. A guy could get lost in you." 

Jim smiled. "Ditto that." He reached for the top button on Blair's shirt, his lover looking from the button to his eyes. "Do you want me to stop?" 

Blair shook his head. 

"Have you ever been made love to? I mean, have you had someone worship your body?" 

"No," Blair breathed, his eyes closing. 

"What a shame. I think it's about time." 

"I didn't think you..." 

"I haven't with a _man_. The equipment's a little different, but I think I can feel my way." 

Blair's head dropped back, exposing his throat. "Oh, God, Jim. I don't think I've ever been this hard." 

"I don't mean to disappoint, but I think we should keep it above the belt for tonight." 

Blair's head came up in a rush, his hair moving forward like a wave. "Really?" 

"Yeah. Let's not push our luck." 

"Okay, but why are you..." Blair pointed to Jim unbuttoning his shirt. 

Jim smirked, dropping his hand to Blair's waistband. "You're belt is here. Everything above that is fair game. I guess all the blood has gone south for the winter." 

Blair flushed, nodding. 

"Tip your head back again." 

Blair did as requested, finding a suction cup attached to his neck as deft fingers attended to his buttons. The younger man groaned, his hips moving without his consent. Jim smiled against his neck, pushing the shirt open. Dropping a last kiss on the reddened flesh, he released it. 

"Am I marked now?" 

"Yep. You're mine. Remember that." 

"I'll do that," Blair said, leaning down to lick at Jim's neck in a similar spot while pulling his arms free of the flannel. 

"Go ahead. Just keep it low enough that my uniform collar will cover it." 

Making a happy sound, Blair moved a little lower and began to suck. Jim instructed him that he'd have to do it harder and got bitten for his trouble. Well, at least the younger man had loosened up a bit. 

Sandburg finally pulled back, fingering the mark he left, smiling broadly when he met his lover's eyes. Returning the smile and then some, Jim leaned forward, allowing the coarse hair covering Blair's chest to caress his lips. Dropping lower, he circled a nipple with his tongue, sucking it into his mouth. 

"Ah, shit, Jim!" The older man made a questioning noise, to which Blair responded, "Just don't stop." The deep chuckle that followed sent a shudder through his entire body. 

Jim moved to the other nipple, sticking the tip of his tongue out to flick it. Blair moaned and shivered with each touch, his lover's eyes greedily watching his pleasure. 

"Jim, I..." 

The older man continued to tease the tender nubs, knowing that Blair would speak if it made him uncomfortable. Moving his hands into the action, he massaged the twitching stomach, determined to convince the younger man how good he could feel. 

"Jim, please..." 

He looked up at his lover. "Please what?" 

"I want to finish." 

"Are you sure you're comfortable with that?" Jim asked, his balls aching at the thought of taking his lover's cock into his mouth. 

"I'll be miserable otherwise." 

"Okay. Stand up." 

Blair did, eyes widening as Jim slid to his knees in front of him, unbuttoning the jeans and releasing the stone rod between his legs. 

"You're good with buttons." 

Jim smiled, pulling the jeans down his lover's legs. He sat back on his heels, his throat almost closing as he took in the beauty that was Blair Sandburg. 

"You don't like me," Blair complained, his head dropping forward to avoid his lover's eyes. 

After swallowing several lumps, Jim forced the words out. "What's not to like? You're the most beautiful thing I've ever seen." He ran a trembling hand down the outside of Blair's thigh. 

"You're just saying that." 

"No, I mean it," he said as his eyes drank in the wiry form. 

"Really?" Blair sounded almost convinced, risking a glance at his lover. 

"Why don't you sit down in that chair and I'll show you what I think of your body." 

Blair gawked at the hunger in his lover's voice, taking a few seconds to move. He sat down, fidgeting over his state of undress. Jim crawled between his thighs, curling his finger for the younger man to come closer. 

"Make no mistake. I'm making love to you here. You're not my rent boy. Got that?" 

"Mm-hmm." 

"I just wanted it to be understood." 

"I love you, Jim." 

Ellison leaned forward, taking Blair's mouth hostage, his tongue chasing the younger man's. It didn't take long for the cock that had lost some of it's hardness to regain its interest in the proceedings. Breaking the kiss with several soft ones, Jim looked down at his prize, licking his lips. 

"Oh, man," Blair husked in response. 

Pushing the strong thighs farther apart, Jim lowered his head, sucking the full length into his mouth. Blair whimpered, raising his feet up onto the toes. With one hand, the captain rolled the warm balls, while the other pinched and played with one nipple, then the other. 

"Oh, shit, Jim." Blair's breath came in short bursts, his hands holding the skull in his lap with the slightest pressure. He began to thrust, losing himself in his lover's attention. "Jim, I'm gonna...you'd better..." 

Jim pulled back enough to speak around the shaft, saying, "Do it." 

Blair screamed, the vibrations rocketing him over the edge. His essence spurted down his lover's throat, who willingly swallowed every drop. The young man slumped, his arms encircling his lover. 

When Blair opened his eyes, he saw the strained expression on Jim's face. "Your turn." 

"Don't worry about me. I'll be fine." 

"I am not going to leave you hanging after that." He smiled sleepily, caressing Jim's rough jaw. 

"I won't argue if you're sure." 

"Sit," Blair said, pointing to the chair. Jim did. "Get undressed first," he clarified, laughing. 

"Top drawer of my dresser." 

Blair flew up the steps and came back by the time his lover finished disrobing. The older man stood, allowing him to scrutinize his body just as he had done earlier. 

"Wow." 

Jim chuckled. "Wow?" 

"I had no idea." 

"You've seen me naked before." 

"I wasn't really _looking_ then. Wow." 

Jim smiled, sitting down. Blair moved between his legs, leaning up for a kiss as he played with both nipples. 

"You can seduce me later. I'm too far gone for all that. Let's get to the good stuff." 

Blair made an "o-kay" face, then kissed the older man again. Picking up the tube, he coated his hand liberally with lubricant. Pushing the legs apart, he carefully pulled the balls forward where he could reach them. Enclosing the shaft in his hand, he squeezed, smiling at the shudder shaking Jim's body. Ellison groaned, pushing his hips forward. 

"Do you want to fuck my hand? Is that what you want?" 

Jim nodded, biting his lip. 

"Show me what you've got," Blair whispered, raising the hair on his lover's neck. 

Jim grabbed the edges of his chair to achieve some leverage, pumping slowly. Blair moved his hand rhythmically, taking the other man to heaven and back. The older man's brow bunched, his tongue licking back and forth across his upper lip. He rolled his hips while thrusting, evoking a groan from both men. 

Blair stared at his lover's moving hips, transfixed. Using his free hand, he tickled lightly at the balls, which had begun their ascent. 

"Ah..." 

"Faster, Jim, harder." 

The words incited him, lighting a fire in his balls that burned all the way up and through his shaft. Blair moved his hand swiftly in counterpoint to the thrusts, making Jim feel like he really was fucking. The pressure inside overwhelmed him and he came, wailing his lover's name as his semen arced, landing in the young man's chest hair. 

"Oh, damn, that was good," Jim panted. 

Blair beamed, kissing his lover's pliant lips. Jim opened his eyes a few moments later, smiling at the fluid on his friend's chest. He rubbed it in, bringing a finger adorned with a few drops to the full lips. Figuring out what he expected, Sandburg sucked it into his mouth, massaging it with such enthusiasm that the older man regretted having him use his hand. 

With his other hand, Jim gathered some semen, then moved to his lover's nipple. Teasing it, he caused the younger man to lose some of his coordination. 

"Oh, shit, Jim. You're going to turn me into a wanton slut." 

Jim released him, cupping the stubbled face in his palm. "You're no slut, but with me you can act as wanton as you like. Just remember that you're mine and nobody else's." 

"Yours and nobody else's," Blair promised with eyes so full of love and lust that they almost took Jim's breath. 

* * *

Blair walked into Eric's house, grabbing an apple from the fruit bowl on his way from the kitchen to the living room. Making himself comfortable on the couch, he propped his feet on the coffee table. 

"Well, hello to you, too, you little shit." 

"Hey, Eric." Blair grinned. 

"There's only one thing that's going to put that kind of smile on your face." 

"You think I'm that superficial?" Blair mocked offense. 

"No, I think you're a horny guy. Give. How was it?" 

Blair sat up, bouncing his whole being as he talked. "It was great, man." 

"See? I told you it would be okay." 

"Yeah, I was really nervous at first." 

"That's normal." 

"But when he touched me it was like my brain went on vacation and my hormones took over." 

"And that's a bad thing?" 

Blair threw a pillow at him with his free hand. "Eric, you are the only person I know that's hornier than I am." 

"Well, did he seem to mind?" 

"No. He told me I was his." 

"Ooh, possessive." Eric pulled Blair into a tight hug. "I'm really happy for you. I'm glad everything worked out." 

"Thanks." 

"You didn't panic or have any flashbacks or anything like that?" 

"No. I just _knew_ I would, but when I started to freak, he knew exactly what to do. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. Then I started seeing him going down on me in my mind. I must've made some noise because he said we were going to wait until another time." 

"What did you say to that?" 

"What do you think? Anyway, he was constantly asking me if I was okay and telling me we could stop any time. It actually started to get on my nerves." 

"You've caught a good one, cuz. Hang on tight and don't let him go." 

"Can I tell him you said that?" 

"Suit yourself. You'll just have to explain that you told me about the sex." 

"Eeww...not a good idea. I would be so roasted." 

* * *

Simon walked up to the sidewalk restaurant, locating Blair quickly. 

"Hey, Sandburg." 

"Simon." Blair stood. "Thanks for meeting me." 

"It's no problem. It's good to get out of the office. I've been buried in paperwork all day. You wanted to talk?" he inquired, sitting down. 

"Um..." Blair fidgeted with his backpack clasp, looking away. 

"Sandburg?" 

"I just wanted to apologize for losing it the other day. I'm not usually like that." 

"Don't sweat it, kid. You've been through a lot lately. I'm just sorry that I caused it both times." 

"It wasn't your fault. I don't suppose it could be helped," Blair remarked, shrugging. 

"You really should consider getting some help." 

"Jim and I agreed that I should see someone. I have an appointment." 

"That's great. He was really worried and quite frankly, I was, too. I don't like to see friends suffering." 

"You consider me a friend?" Blair's posture straightened. 

"Well, of course." 

"Thanks, man." 

Simon shook his head, wondering how such a bright young man could completely miss the fact that he had a lot to offer. 

* * *

Jim came in from work looking overworked and underpaid. 

"Jim, are you okay?" Blair asked, hugging his lover. 

"Yeah, we had a surprise inspection today. It didn't go well at all." 

"You're not in trouble, are you? You know Simon would help you get on at the police department." 

"No, Chief. I'm not in trouble." He kissed Blair tenderly. "If I left the army, I wouldn't be your soldier anymore." 

"You'll always be my soldier, Jim," he answered, kissing his lover again. 

"Another unit was a complete mess and by the time they got to mine, they were not in a good mood. I got grilled for three hours," he said, unknotting his tie. 

Blair took it, setting it on the counter before enclosing Jim in a full-body hug. 

"Mmm...you feel so good. You give great hugs." 

"Really?" Blair scrunched his nose, pulling back. 

"Really. It's nice to get a hug with some strength behind it, just like feeling beard stubble against my own." Jim rubbed their cheeks together to prove his point. 

Blair kissed him on the cheek, but started shaking when Jim pulled his body close. 

"You're still nervous, aren't you?" 

Blair shrugged. "Maybe a little. You didn't exactly let me explore." 

"I'm sorry. You just got me so turned on, I couldn't think. Why don't you try it now?" 

"Dinner will burn." 

"It's roast in a crock pot, Blair," he deadpanned. 

"Right. Uh, okay. What do you like?" 

"That's sort of why it's called experimenting. You touch me and watch my reactions. You'll figure it out." 

"O-Okay." He reached for the buttons on Jim's shirt, glancing at his lover for permission. 

"You can do whatever you want, Chief. I _want_ you to touch me." 

Pushing the shirt off Jim's shoulders and letting it fall to the floor, Blair said, "You are so awesome." He dropped soft kisses over the entire expanse of his lover's chest, careful to avoid the nipples. Moving up to where neck and shoulder meet, he darkened the mark he had left during their first time making love. 

Blair put his hands on Jim's waist, licking the strong collar bone teasingly. 

"Oh, fuck!" Jim yelled, shuddering. His pale blue eyes met those of his young lover. 

"You didn't know about that one?" Jim shook his head, almost laughing as his lover bounced in place, smiling. "Cool." 

The younger man moved to Jim's side, kissing and licking his way down the captain's arm. His lover watched him, deeply absorbed. When he reached the large hands, he drew each finger into his mouth, taking the time to make love to each and every one while holding the older man's eyes. His lover bit his lip to keep from moaning. Moving to the other arm, he repeated the act, noting the tented pants and smiling. 

Finishing with his arms, Blair kissed his lover's ribs with a feather light touch intended to tickle, while teasing his nipples. The other man's groan vibrated against his lips. Moving lower, he sucked on the abs, but not hard or long enough to leave marks. That area was just too beautiful to mar. He finally reached the waist of Jim's trousers, licking the quivering skin above the waistband. Standing, he backed up against the counter. 

"So, what do you think? Did I do okay?" 

Jim advanced on him, taking his mouth without permission. Blair moaned, undulating against his lover. The older man leaned his weight against him, dropping his hand to stroke the hard cock through the soft sweats. Before he knew what was happening, Sandburg shoved him hard, knocking him on his butt. 

"Get away from me you sick fuck!" 

Jim scrambled to stand. "What? Blair, what are you talking about? What's wrong?" 

His chest heaving, the younger man's face crumbled. "I did it again. Oh, man. This is _not_ happening." He paced back and forth with his palms on his forehead, fingers twining through his hair. 

"Talk to me, Chief. What just happened?" 

"You...he...damn it!" 

"He what?" 

Blair stilled, dropping his hands to his sides, the bright blue eyes now miserable. Weakly lifting one hand, he pointed to the area where they'd been kissing. 

"That's where he groped me. He leaned into me and I couldn't get away. For a second..." 

"For a second, what? Come on, talk to me." 

"I thought you were him. I'm so incredibly sorry." 

"So, it was him you were calling a sick fuck, not me?" Jim walked to his lover, embracing him while placing the head on his shoulder. 

"Him. Never you," he answered, squeezing the larger man. "Never you. I love you. I'm sorry." 

"I love you, too, Chief. We'll get through this." 

"If I don't drive you crazy first." 

Jim tilted the younger man's head back so that he could look into his eyes. "Blair, this is not your fault. Wilson has power over you now, but you're going to see a therapist and take it away from him." 

"I am so messed up." 

"Right now, you're confused. I know you're feeling out of control. But before this happened, you were a competent, well adjusted, smart man. Sure, you had the occasional panic attack, but you knew how to deal with them. You'll get back there again, Chief. Please don't let him win. Don't let him get to you." He wrapped himself around his lover, tucking the head back against his shoulder and dropping a loving kiss on the curls. 

"Thank you." 

* * *

Jim and Blair sat in the waiting room of Dr. Brandi James, an attractive blonde with bright green eyes and even in height with her patient. They held hands, thankful to be the last appointment of the day. 

"Blair Sandburg," the receptionist said. "You can go in now." 

Jim squeezed his hand. "Behave in there. You're already taken," he teased. 

Blair laughed, the nervous edge taken off. He crossed the waiting room, looking back at his lover as he entered the office. 

"I'll be right here," Jim assured, opening the book he brought to read. 

"Mr. Sandburg, I'm Dr. James." She stood, extending her hand. He shook it, attempting not to tremble too badly. "Please, have a seat." 

"Thank you." 

"Would you prefer me to call you Mr. Sandburg or Blair?" 

"Blair's fine." 

"Okay, Blair. We're not going to get into anything heavy today." She smiled as he sighed heavily. "I just wanted to meet with you so that you could get more comfortable with me." 

"That'll work," he nodded. 

"I do want to touch on a few things, though." 

"Okay." Blair swallowed. 

"You've been assaulted three times?" 

Clearing his throat, he answered, "Yes." 

"Were they all sexual assaults or just the one?" 

"Two...two of them were sexual," he said, glancing away and rubbing his palms on his jeans. 

"Blair, it's okay to be nervous." 

He affirmed his understanding, smiling very faintly. 

"What kinds of problems have you been having?" 

"I'm not sure I understand what you mean." 

"Do you have nightmares, anxiety attacks, flashbacks, anger flare ups..." 

"Yeah." 

"Which ones?" 

"All of 'em." 

"Did you have any of these before the assaults?" 

"I had panic attacks occasionally, but they were under control." 

"And they're not now?" 

"No. It seems like nothing is," he remarked, tucking some hair behind his ear. 

"Okay. I want you to try something when you start to feel out of control." 

"What?" 

"I want you to close your eyes and focus on something that makes you happy, makes you feel safe." 

Blair closed his eyes, Jim's smiling face appearing in his mind. He smiled in response, even though his lover couldn't see him. 

"I see you've found it." 

"Yes." 

"If you're not somewhere where you can close your eyes, I want you to do it as soon as possible." 

"Um, can I ask you a question?" 

"That's what we're here for." She smiled warmly. 

"Why do you want me to taint the things that make me happy with the memories of...you know." 

"Don't think of it that way. Think of it as the good things making the memories seem not quite so bad. Can you do that?" 

"I think so." 

"Good. I also want you to start an emotional journal." 

"An emotional journal?" 

"Yes. I want you to sit down at least once every day and write about the things you've felt that day. It will be a private journal between you and I. It can be very cleansing to write how you feel without worrying about anyone reading it." 

"That doesn't sound like any fun, but I'll try it." 

"It's not supposed to be fun, Blair. It's called healing. It's not an easy process, but one that's well worth it." 

"I hope so." 

They spent a long while touching briefly on basic areas of Blair's life. He spoke of his mother, smiling brightly and waving his hands as he told of her protests. Discussing his major and his interest in anthropology also took a good chunk of the session. Lastly, they went over how he and Jim met and became roommates and close friends. 

She stood. "I think that's enough for today. I don't want you to feel overwhelmed the first time out." 

"Thanks." 

She showed him to the door, opening it for him. Jim closed his book, standing and enveloping him in a hug. Dr. James watched the two men leave her office with a smile on her face, glad that her patient had the support he would need. 

* * *

Later that night, the two men lay on the couch, the living room illuminated only by the fireplace. Blair lay on top of Jim, his head resting on the firm chest. The older man traced patterns across his lover's cotton covered back. 

"Chief?" 

"Mmm?" 

"How did the session go today? You haven't mentioned anything about it." 

"Dr. James seems to be a nice lady. I think it just might work." 

Jim graced him with one of those very rare, but nothing less than breathtaking, Ellison smiles. 

"Thanks, man." 

"Thanks for what?" Jim asked, curious. 

"For not saying I told you so." 

"My pleasure comes from making you happy, not beating you down." Jim kissed the top of his head. 

"I love you, Jim. I didn't know it was possible to love anyone like this." 

Jim lifted Blair's chin, blinking back his own tears as he lovingly kissed the eager lips. Deepening the kiss, the younger man rocked his hips against his lover's. 

Jim groaned. "Just let me hold you tonight." 

"Anything my soldier wants." 

"Your soldier only wants to love you and for you to love him back." 

"Does he love me?" Blair asked, looking into Jim's eyes. 

"Very much," he answered, placing a tender kiss on the small nose. 

"Then he's already got it." 

* * *

End My Soldier.

 


End file.
